I’m only here because I chanced upon my blog’s link on my Facebook account. The past few months have been an unproductive stretch for me. There was no writing done, not even a page on my journal has been graced by a verse or a word. If you look in there, all you will see are numbers– computations from the past month’s expenses.
If you ask me, I would maybe laugh about it. I’ll let you know that my journal mirrors what has been occupying my mind for so long now, as other millennials put it– adulting.
So, when I found my blog, a bunch of emotions flooded over me. Some key changes happened over the time I paused from blogging– I resigned from being a copywriter three months ago. Today, I am working at a college for a gold-level asshole. In a nutshell, I am just unhappy with how I am adulting. It sucks. Big time.
I found this in my Drafts folder today:
The past week has been a blur. Had it been a picture, it would only look like a monochromatic mess of chaos. In retrospect, I could only see pain and dread. We live in a fucked up world.
Tonight, I just finished writing a poem about a recent Supreme Court decision that sent our country reeling. I don’t know why, but I was trembling right after writing and reading it aloud. I finished it with a heavy heart.
Perhaps it’s because I realized how damaged our world is. Perhaps it’s also because the realization that I could only do so little dawned upon me.
Today, I realize that I am disappointed in myself. I’m doing even less than the little I could do.
If this isn’t the highest form of dismay, I do not know what is.
I guess that’s all. I am disappointed, overdosed on dismay– lonely. But stumbling upon this blog is actually a silver lining I did not expect.
I guess, again, that there’s always a sliver of hope even in the most disappointing of times. Even when that tiny sliver is overshadowed by a disappointing career, a gold-level asshole for a boss, and a humongous writer’s block I have to conquer.
It’s always there.